Oct 23, 2013

Why can't I wake up these days?

No, I'm not about to venture into dishing out a diagnosis of some weird first-world affliction ("Chronic Somnambulistic Syndrome" but i just made that up) in a bid to collect sympathy or funds.

It's just sort of analysing my waking up patterns from an existential point of view.

I mean it's not that I don't get enough sleep or like I've been partying myself to shame the page 3s from Miami Shore (or wait, was it Jersey shore) or that i've been working too hard and dozing off on my desk and waking up on it.

I have perfectly normal hours, (barring those odd days where the amount of work far exceeds the availability of time/inclination), I'm not a clinical insomniac but I just don't like..to go to sleep earlier & wake up full of beans about the day!

Most days I'm just killing time (that I don't have) on social media, cracking an odd joke or a tweet there, going through cat memes on fb like I was doing a thesis on them or watching VitalyTV make an ass of himself on youtube (that guy is funny though!) before my eyes pop out of behind my head and i drop dead on the laptop. Anything to make the night last longer and...delay the morning.

And then I wake up, with substantial help from the alarm clock and the fact that i have a job and I absolutely can't call in sick anymore and gosh! That breakfast at office is amazing! (I mean those fresh waffles & maple syrup alone make me get up and come to work, at least 60% of the time)

Basically, I  should feel like this: 

But I feel like this:

Let's just say, I can't wake up, because, the waking hours have stopped looking promising.

I don't know if this is professional or "life exhaustion" or just an unhealthy disregard for being excited anymore, but I just don't find myself to be...motivated enough to get out of that bed, (and no it's not even like the most comfortable bed on earth. That one's back home at the family house) and get dressed, have to deal with people, and get lost behind a desktop/laptop all day and live the corporate life, where I am not a big fan of my work. At least not anymore. And I know I'm not winning a Nobel prize or a love-letter from my manager.

Maybe it's the fact that my patience, or rather, enthusiasm is at the far end of its waning curve. I mean I was for the most part that person who'd be full of things to do, stuff to create, ideas to hatch and quite raring to go but that's been replaced with a strange complacency about the status quo. And I'm past aware that I should take stock of the situation and before I totally become ensconced in the whole "Ok this is my life now and I've to deal with it" rut, i need to get out, rethink my career, job, relationships (or the lack of them), etc

I think the day you stop looking forward to waking up, and seizing the day is the day you stop living itself.  All I know is, I'm (still, surprisingly) too young, rather ambitious and maybe slightly too full of ideas, to give up on life -i mean mornings, in general like this. 

And a good start, would be to, WANT to wake up, everyday. Ok maybe not the days it's 20 degrees, and I'd just rather stay in, listen to some Angus & Julia Stone, while my maid gets me some tea in bed; but rather in life where I'm all "Let's do this, day!"

1 comment:

Rachana said...

I know that feeling. I'm going through something similar right now and was avoiding confronting myself about it and therrree you go posting this. Damn! :P :)