Sep 27, 2011

lizard, lizard on the wall, who's the most bastardly of y'all?

It's 5 am, on a working day and I'm wide awake and I can't go back to sleep.
There is a monster in my room, right opposite me, watching me, watching my every move, living off my fear, plotting its attack, ready to launch its vicious assault on me and wrenching my guts out of my system in a diabolic move, anytime now.

OKAY fine, it's the other away around. She/he/it is probably not even looking at me and minding its own business and going about its daily work. But let's give you a little background here.

If I told you I had a fear of lizards, I'd be kidding you. Imagine a xenophobic with vertigo with a UVB-sensitive skin with a fear of public speaking on the 63th floor under the scorching sun at 3 in the noon addressing the whole of China. THAT gets somewhere close to what I have for lizards. Phobia is an understatement. Those evil veins throbbing through their almost translucent brown/green/grey skin, those bulgy evil eyes that flit about menacingly, that evil wobbly tail and those evil paws slithering away in shrewd, violent moves, zeroing in on their prey. See? Everything about them is evil. Every part of their miserable little evil bodies is. I tell you, lizards are true avatars of Satan if I ever saw one. Which other creature can disjoin from its tails, leaving it wriggling around to haunt you, even after it dies?!

Not that I'm very fond of the other members of the slimy reptile kingdom either. But there is something very wretched about these lizards that makes my blood curdle, my BP shoot through the roof & all my animal-activist instincts vanish in seconds. There is no creature that can inspire that kind of violence in me, almost like what Dexter feels towards the bad guys, except that my trepidation manifests itself into more passive than aggressive ways. Like, if you know me personally, you've seen me hop a yard suddenly while walking, sitting glued on my bed for hours, not using my loo for days on end ... err ok TMI. If you've come to my room you've probably even noticed the broken egg shells placed strategically at every corner possible. Hey they are not some cult voodoo art but just an old wives' remedy to repel lizards and NO it doesn't work. I mean I'm scared to open my wardrobes or go to certain places in my room, not knowing which corner the next lizard might pop out from!

Hey, Jim Morrison, lizard king, really? Clearly you haven't seen lizards on YOUR doors. And you guys, who have lizards as pets, what next, slitting your wrists? In fact God, you really were premature by a 1000yrs with the extinction of the dinosaurs. At least them dinosaurs were giant, exotic AND most importantly they stuck to their own territory & minded their own little business unlike these vile creatures who walk, err slink right into your homes, crevices of your room and of your minds & ultimately your sanity .

I mean having a couple of 'friendly chipkalis' on the wall, is like..a part of general interior decor at any standard Indian household. In fact there is an ancient folklore about lizards in the Indian Mythology. So apparently this bad guy had planned to kill one princess by poisoning her food that was being cooked. A benevolent (hah!) lizard on the wall sees this happen & jumps off into the pot so that noone eats the stuff, seeing a dead lizard in it. And ever since lizards have been considered sacred and are not to be harmed. No freaking way! If they had CCTVs back then, you'd know the lizard was only trying to attack the person next to the pot & simply missed a step!

This paranoia goes back as far as or probably stems from my childhood. I remember once my mom was lying on the sofa chilling with all of us kids and suddenly we heard her shriek and convoluting in some kind of fits.Turned out a lizard had fallen off on her stomach! I swear I haven't had a worse nightmare than a lizard falling on ME and sucking the life out of me, ever since. Interestingly Tamilians even have a term for this - " palli vizhum palan " . Not sure but I think it translates into "your life is over." Even now, I have these recurring dreams about that bastardly creature animagus-ing into a huge monster falling off from the ceiling crushing me under it or one hopping on my bed & swallowing me whole in my sleep. In fact I may not even be that far off the mark. Did you hear about the 6 feet lizard with 2 penises that was discovered in Philippines recently? I'm never going to Philippines! Did I tell you, the end is near? THEY are coming to get you.


Nj said...

I know its not funny but still it reminds me of my friends :p

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